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New Year, New Life

1 more day and a new year would start. I just cried earlier, first time ever that I finally had the time and the privacy to do so, and it felt so great. I made a resolve to be beautiful and happy… hopefully I’d be able to do so. I’ll love and pamper myself. I think I owe myself that after 4 long years of loving someone else other than myself. Someone who for a while didn’t treat me right, who loved me privately but can never be proud of me publicly. Why? Because he saidI’m fat, that I wear bad clothes and because I blow my nose too strong whenever I have a cold. So here goes, he never wants me to be seen with him by his friends, his family or anyone he knows because he said he’ll be teased. I thought I was that bad, lost my self confidence, and I agreed because I was so afraid of losing him. but now? I just don’t care… It had always been his way or the highway.. And it’s time to move on. Another year, another chapter, another road..

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December 30, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Xmas Day!

Christmas day today… pero ang lahat ng happenings ay nangyayari naman talaga sa bisperas, then christmas day itself, la lang, borlogan marathon ang nangyayari. Parang sakin, everything significant happened nung palapit pa lang ang pasko, 13th month pay, xmas shopping, breaking up… waaahhh!! hindi nya ko binati nung xmas. Akala ko ba sabi nya ayaw nyang magkahiwalay kami? (Ok peeps, I’m right at this phase called In Denial stage kaya walang taasan ng kilay). Talked to Mrash kahapon, (imagine 24th of December tapos dalawa lang kaming nagtatrabaho minus the aircon? tsk!) Dami ko natutunan sa kanya when it comes to matters of the heart. Lam mo, sabi ng mga friends ko, parang okay lang naman daw ako. Of course I’m not okay! Pero syempre ma-pride ako. I will not tell them about the nightmares… I will not admit na kaya araw araw ako online is because I’m hoping na kahit isang maiksing Merry Xmas lang eh binati nya ko sa YM… na tingin ako ng tingin sa cp ko hoping na kahit isang forwarded message lang, may matanggap ako. And I’ve been hoping for a time alone para makaiyak na ko… kaso wala…Pero lamo, amazing thing is… I’ve met 5 people na may similar but not so very similar experience sakin. Parang gusto ko na ngang magtayo ng asosasyon para dito eh. Take the case of one “girlfriend” na they were together for 2 years. Little did she know na si lalake eh may 2 extra GFs on the side. Isang 7 months, isang 5 months. Si guy, nag leave ng 1 month from work para mag review sa board exam and she was supporting him financially dahil magkaaway yung guy and his dad. Then finally, si guy passed the board, became an engineer at ang sabi sa kanya, nagkabati na si guy at yung dad nya because of what happened. Syempre si girlfriend super happy and was looking forward sa oath taking. But well… wag na lang daw sabi ni guy kasiwalang pera. Wag na daw mag Oath taking. Eh hindi na din mashoulder ni girl yung letseng oath taking kasi nga yung sahod nya pinaghahatian nila ni boyfriend habang walang sahod si guy at nagrereview. Eh alam mo ba nangyari? Si Girlfriendfor 7 months lang naman ang kasama ng pamilya ni lalake nung oath taking. Tapos nung celebration, alam mo bang nangyari? Si girlfriend for 5 months lang naman ang nasa party. At sya? Isa syang alamat… sya na original, subok na matibay at maaasahan… Well, there goes Mr. Jerk Number 1. At dahil nakakapagod din namang mag type, lalo na at ayaw mong mahuli ka ng kahit sinong kasambahay na nag bablog ka pala… 1 last story to share…

Si Girlfriend Number 2 naman ay may Jerk boyfriend for 5 years. Bumili sila ng kotse at naghati sa bayaran syempre pa nakapangalan sa guy. Nagpaplano pa siya na bumili ng bahay para makapag settle down na sila. Si guy hurts her physically, tapos galit na galit if she eats french fries, liempo, ultimo pag kinain nya yung skin ng fried chicken. As in walk out ang nangyayari. You see, si girlfriend got fat because she was on a pill. Dahil ayaw nga ni lalake na mabuntis sya. What happened? Si guy eh isang TL sa isang call center called HTMT at di nya alam, popular pala sa one night stands… And this one agent was sobrang obsessing kay lalake at talagang naging regular dyug ata ni guy. mantakin mong si agent ay nagpadala pa ng picture nya ke Girlfriend at sa lahat ng friends nito na napapaluputan sya ng ahas, at ang message? “Ahas na kung ahas”. So nagbreak sila, nabuntis si agent at nung sinesettle yung hatian sa kotse, 30 kiyaw lang ang ibinalik kay girlfriend. Ang rason? Yung kaltas daw ay for all the expenses sheincurred during the times na nagdedate sila at hindi sya nagbabayad. Ultimate Loser talaga no? Ako, hindi ko naconfirm kung gano kalala ang ginawa ni ex.. tingin nyo it would help me move on if I’ve known the gory details?

Kaya lang, ayoko namang mamuhay in pain, anger and bitterness.. ako ang talo. so I guess… the road to moving on might be a long and hard (uy, long and hard ha! Wow! He he) journey… pero hopefully, I’ll get to pass it and move on to a better life (pray, pray, pray).

Thank you sa lahat ng friends who gave me advise. To those who were crying for me, who were mad for me. Pero most of all.. Thank you kay Doc Manuel who said na just tell him when I’m ready to date kasi he’s got friends he can refer. mamili lang daw ako kung gusto ko ng Pedia, Surgeon, Gen. Med or OB Gyne (Uy! Ha ha ha…) Best help I’ve ever offered (Char!)

  

   

December 25, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

moving on in christmas

        After 4 years, 1 month and 8 days, both of us had finally given up. For the past four years, I had this feeling that however good it was, it’s not gonna last. Probably because I’ve been his biggest secret all those four years that we’ve been together. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I received an IM from him telling me that things are not the way they used to because there’s currently an obstacle, that there’s something that he’s not been telling me because he might end up losing me. I was asking him how bad would that secret be? he just said that he might lose me and he doesn’t want that to happen because I was his first love. Then the next messages I’ve been getting both from texts and IMs are all about him being scared… (sigh…) So, I just put him out of his misery and told him that whatever it is that he just can’t tell me, I don’t want to know since it’s torturing him to know that I’ve been pestering him to let me know. I told him that we can just call it quits, that maybe it’s now time to give up since he told me that everything’s no longer gonna be the same. Sounds as if he already made a decision for both of us, sounds as if whatever we have is now hopeless..  And like the good boy that he is, he did as he was told.  Walang pagdadalawang isip…Akala mo hindi nya sinabing ayaw nyang magkahiwalay kami.. We lost contact and he’s no longer reaching out. I deleted his new number (good thing I decided not to memorize it), funny thing is, everything still seemed normal. Why? because he rarely texts (claiming that he’s phone is busted and he does’t have anyone to borrow cp from), he rarely leaves IM (claiming that he rarely goes online these days despite their broadband connection) and he very rarely ever calls.  I must admit, everytime I go online, there was a tiny spark of hope that he might have left a message for me, and when there is none, I would get disappointed and realize that it’s not something new. My cellphone will beep but I don’t have to expect that it’s him… and when the phone rings… well, it was never him anyway.  Asking him to call is like pulling a tooth out of him.

    On the bright side of things, I have a lot of wonderful friends who immediately came to my side… I thought when I left HSBC I’ll never find another clique who’d care.. My friend Ms. Bad Attitude hade cried for me and Doc gave me a comforting hug…. Beeann immediately welcomed me to the SMP club, and Crissy volunteered to smack my ex’s arse, he he he… well, sabi nga ni nanay ang lakad laging pasulong at kahit gano pa kaganda saka kasaya yung mga dating moments, hindi na mababalik pa… how true.. and how sad..

December 22, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment